Monday, May 24, 2010
Wonderfully and Beautifully Made
A couple weeks ago, when I signed up to be part of the 31 Dress Dare, I thought of it as a beautiful way to express my feminity and more fun than any other reason. I never dreamed that in this time I would fight a battle.
I have always struggled with body image. I don't know very many women who don't. In our society where God has been forgotten so often and we rely on our own control, we have skewed our perception of what true beauty is. Most days, I have small, miniscule thoughts regarding my physical beauty. I don't dwell and the most that happens is I notice a blemish on my face, but do nothing to hide it. Since being married, I've had many less occurences of feeling ugly or worthless, because I have a husband who tells me often how beautiful I am and I can see in his eyes that he means it. But these past couple of weeks have been the exception to that rule.
I have felt ugly. I have felt worthless. I have felt fat. I have felt like a blob. I know that I am not ugly, worthless, fat, or a blob in my head, but it's been a struggle to believe that in my heart. I know in my head that my worth does not lie in what this society defines as beautiful, but that I am priceless because I am a child of God. It's been so difficult to believe that in my heart. As I woke up each morning, all I could see in the mirror was my imperfections. That thought followed me throughout each day and I felt weighed down. I felt spiritually attacked and I felt helpless to make this weight go away.
Then, I came to a point where I broke down. Last night, I let it all out to my husband and to God. Once I let the floodgates come out, I realized how wrong I was to think that I was anything but beautiful. I know I am made in God's image and likeness. I know He doesn't make junk and now I feel it in my heart. I plan to get a sticker of some sort or maybe a dry erase marker and write a reminder on my mirror so that is the first thing I see when I look in the mirror. Maybe then I will take those negative thoughts and give them to God. I know Christ suffered and died for me as I am, not if I lost those 20 lbs that just will NOT go away or not if my face was silky smooth and my hair was shiny. Christ does not care what my physical beauty looks like, but where my mind and my heart are and that they are in unity with His. So, thanks Dress Dare for reminding me of this. I did get a wonderful lesson from this opportunity.